Andy Rooney_ 60 Years of Wisdom and Wit Read online

  Andy Rooney_ 60 Years of Wisdom and Wit

  Rooney, Andy

  Unknown publisher (2011)

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  Product Description

  Chairs. Neat people. Ugliness. War. Over six decades of intrepid reporting and elegant essays, Andy Rooney has proven a shrewd cultural analyst—unafraid to question the sometimes ridiculous, often surprising facts of our lives. Rooney’s great gift is telling it straight, without a hint of sugar coating, but with more than a grain of truth and humor. His take on America? “It’s just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there.” On food? “There’s more dependable mediocrity than there used to be.”

  About the Author

  Known to millions for his regular commentary on the television news magazine 60 Minutes, and his syndicated newspaper column, Andrew A. Rooney is the author of numerous bestselling books. He has published five previous books with PublicAffairs: My War, Sincerely, Andy Rooney, Common Nonsense, Years of Minutes, and Out of My Mind. He lives in New York.

  60 Years of Wisdom and Wit

  Also by Andy Rooney

  Out of My Mind

  Years of Minutes

  Common Nonsense

  Sincerely, Andy Rooney

  My War

  Sweet and Sour

  Not That You Asked . . .

  Word for Word

  Pieces of My Mind

  And More by Andy Rooney

  A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney

  The Fortunes of War

  Conquerors’ Peace (with Bud Hutton)

  The Story of The Stars and Stripes (with Bud Hutton) Air Gunner (with Bud Hutton)

  60 Years of Wisdom and Wit

  Andrew A. Rooney

  With an Introduction by Brian Rooney

  PublicAffairs New York

  Copyright © 2009 by Andrew A. Rooney. Introduction copyright © 2009 by Brian Rooney.

  Published in the United States by PublicAffairs™, a member of

  the Perseus Books Group.

  All rights reserved.

  Printed in the United States of America.

  All photographs in this book, unless otherwise indicated, are from the author’s collection and/or the CBS photo archive. Additional photography by Keith D. Kulin. With special thanks to Susie Bieber and Morgen Van Vorst for their editorial work. Ziggy © 1995 Ziggy and Friends, Inc. Reprinted with permission of Universal Press Syndicate. All Rights Reserved.

  Doonesbury © 1982 G. B. Trudeau. Reprinted with permission of Universal Press Syndicate. All Rights Reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information, address PublicAffairs, 250 West 57th Street, Suite 1321, New York, NY 10107.

  PublicAffairs books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the U.S. by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail [email protected].

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Rooney, Andrew A.

  Andy Rooney: 60 years of wisdom and wit / Andrew A. Rooney ; with an introduction by Brian Rooney. — 1st ed.

  p. cm

  ISBN 978-1-58648-773-7 (alk. paper)

  1. American wit and humor. I. Title.

  PN6162.R629 2009

  814'.54—dc22

  2009029909 First Edition

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Contents

  Timeline ix Introduction by Brian Rooney xv

  Part I:

  The Beginnings of a Writing Life 1

  Drafted, 3

  Meeting Marge, 15

  A Missive to Marge from England, 19 Places of Business, 22

  Combat, 34

  Part II:

  Mr. Rooney Goes to Work 49

  Chairs, 51

  Mr. Rooney Goes to Dinner, 59 In Praise of New York City, 76 An Essay on War, 84

  Part III:

  A Few Decades with Andy Rooney 91

  The Man Behind the Desk 93 Introducing Andy Rooney, 93

  An Interview with Andy Rooney, 95

  Sartorial Shortcomings, 97

  vi Contents

  A World-Class Saver, 99

  Born to Lose, 102

  My Name’s Been Stolen, 104

  On Writing 106 There Is No Secret, 106

  It’s a Writer Who Makes a Fool of Himself, 108

  The Journalist’s Code of Ethics, 110

  A Report on Reporting, 113

  Big Business, 115

  On Work and Money 118 Procrastination, 118

  Fired, 121

  Broke, 122

  A Cash Standard, 125

  Savings, 127

  The Art of Living 129 Being With People, Being Without, 129

  Finding the Balance, 130

  The Truth About Lying, 132

  The Sweet Spot in Time, 134

  Life, Long and Short, 136

  The Glories of Maturity, 138

  Plain-Spoken Wisdom 141 Trust, 141

  Intelligence, 143

  Directions, 145

  The Quality of Mercy, 147

  Morning People and Night People, 149

  The Sound of Silence, 151

  The Search for Quality 153 Where Are All the Plumbers? 153

  On Conservation, 155

  Design, 157

  Contents vii

  Quality? 159

  Signed by Hand, 161

  Loyalty, 163

  On Home and Family 166 A Nest to Come Home To, 166

  Real Real Estate, 168

  Home, 170

  Struck by the Christmas Lull, 172

  An Appreciative Husband’s Gratitude, 174

  My House Runneth Over, 177

  Mother, 179

  Grandfatherhood, 181

  Simple Pleasures 184 A Trip to the Dump, 184

  Vacation, 186

  Napping, 188

  Wastebaskets, 191

  Wood, 193

  An All-American Drive, 195

  Christmas Trees, 198

  Oh, What a Lovely Game, 200

  The Urge to Eat 208 Ice Cream, 208

  The Andy Rooney Upside-Down Diet, 210

  Thin for Christmas, 212

  The Urge to Eat, 214

  Sodium-Restricted Diet, 216

  On People and Places 218 Thanks, Pal, 218

  Frank Sinatra, Boy and Man, 220

  E. B. White, 222

  Lonnie, 224

  The Godfrey You Don’t Know, 225

  Harry Reasoner, 231

  viii Contents

  A Best Friend, 233

  The Flat Earth in Kansas, 234

  Surrendering to Paris, 236

  No, Thank You 239 Waiting, 239

  Hot Weather, 241

  Neat People, 243

  Driving, 245

  The White House? No, Thank You, 248

  The Agony of Flight, 249

  Appendix:

  The Following Things Are True 253

  Ninety-Nine Opinions I’m Stuck With, 255 Dislikes, 263

  Rules of Life, 265

  The Following Things Are True, 267

  The Following Things Are True About Sports, 273 “Happy Holiday” Doesn’t Do It, 276

  The More You Eat, 278

  Life as I See It: Rooney’s Witticisms 281 Credits 285

  Timeline

  January 14, • Andrew Aitken Rooney is born in Albany, New 1919 York, t
o Walter Scott and Ellinor Rooney.

  1932–1938 •attends The Albany Academy

  • writes for student magazine The Cue

  1938 –1941 • attends Colgate University in Hamilton, New York, where he becomes editor of Colgate’s magazine The Banter

  1941 • drafted into the Army, heads to training in Fort Bragg, North Carolina, followed by Camp Blanding, Florida

  • arrested outside St. Augustine, Florida, for sitting in the back of the Army bus alongside African American soldiers

  1942 • marries Marguerite Howard

  • arrives in Perham Downs, England, with the 17th Field Artillery

  • joins the Armed Forces newspaper The Stars and Stripes in their London office

  • meets United Press reporter Walter Cronkite, Stars and Stripes correspondent Don Hewitt (who would become the executive of 60Minutes), and Edward R. Murrow

  1943 • flies with the Eighth Air Force on the second American bombing raid on Germany x Timeline

  1944 • lands on Utah Beach in Normandy, three days after D-day

  • encounters Ernest Hemingway at hotel outside Paris and finds him ill-mannered

  • enters Paris with the French Army the day the city is liberated from Germany

  • Air Gunner (written with Bud Hutton) is published

  1945 • discharged from the Army

  1946 • The Story of the Stars and Stripes (written with Bud Hutton) is published

  • MGM buys movie rights to The Story of the Stars and Stripes for $55,000 (Rooney and Hutton are hired by MGM to work on the script)

  • assigned by Cosmopolitan to cover postwar Europe with Bud Hutton in ten pieces

  1947 • returns to Albany, New York, and embarks on a freelance career

  • Conquerors’ Peace: A Report to the American Stockholders (written with Bud Hutton), which derives from the Cosmopolitan assignment, is published

  • daughter Ellen Rooney is born

  1949 • joins CBS as a writer for megawatt radio and TV personality Arthur Godfrey; writes for The Arthur Godfrey Talent Scouts and Arthur Godfrey Time until 1955

  1950 • daughters Emily and Martha Rooney are born

  1951 • son Brian Rooney is born

  Timeline xi

  1952 • begins his love affair with woodworking

  1957 • adapts E. B. White’s essay “Here is New York” for TV

  1959 –1965 • writes for The Garry Moore Show, for Victor Borge, Herb Shriner, and Bob and Ray and contributes to CBS News’ “The Twentieth Century,” “Adventure,” “Calendar,” and The Morning Show

  1962 • The Fortunes of War: Four Great Battles of World War II is published

  • begins work with CBS 60 Minutes correspondent Harry Reasoner on a series of TV specials that include pieces on bridges, hotels, and the English language

  1964 • writes his first television essay, “An Essay on Doors”

  1965 • writes television essay on Frank Sinatra narrated by Walter Cronkite and produced by Don Hewitt

  1966 • receives Writers Guild of America Award for best TV documentary for The Great Love Affair

  1968 • writes Black History: Lost, Stolen or Strayed, narrated by Bill Cosby, and is awarded a Writers Guild Award and an Emmy Award for his script

  • appears for the first time on television on the 60 Minutes broadcast “Digressions” with Palmer Williams

  1970 • quits CBS after their refusal to air his “An Essay on War”

  1971 • “An Essay on War” is aired on PBS’s The Great American Dream Machine and receives a Writers Guild Award; for the first time, narrates his own piece on air

  • joins ABC, following Harry Reasoner

  xii Timeline

  1972 • returns to CBS to continue write, produce, and narrate full-length pieces for 60 Minutes and to write for various CBS broadcasts

  1974 • writes and appears in his celebration of New York, “In Praise of New York City”

  1975 • writes and stars in the CBS prime-time feature “Mr. Rooney Goes to Washington”

  • is awarded a Peabody for the piece, as well as a Writers Guild Award for best TV documentary

  1976 • writes and stars in the CBS prime-time feature “Mr. Rooney Goes to Dinner,” for which he receives a Writers Guild Award

  1977 • writes and stars in the CBS prime-time feature “Mr. Rooney Goes to Work”

  1978 • Don Hewitt airs Rooney’s humorous on-air segment “Three Minutes with Andy Rooney” as a summer fill-in for the “Point/Counterpoint” face-off between Shana Alexander and James Kilpatrick

  • “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney” replaces “Point/Counterpoint”

  • receives an Emmy Award for “Who Owns What in America”

  1979 • receives a Writers Guild Award for “Happiness: The Elusive Pursuit”

  1979–present • syndicated column is published and distributed through Tribune Media

  1981 • A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney (the book) is published and quickly becomes a best seller

  Timeline xiii

  • is awarded a News and Documentary Emmy for “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney”

  1982 • And More by Andy Rooney is published

  • receives a second Emmy award for “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney”

  1984 • Pieces of My Mind is published and becomes a best seller

  • Word for Word is published

  1989 • Not That You Asked . . . is published

  1990 • suspended by CBS for three months for remarks that were perceived as racist and homophobic; re-hired four weeks later (60 Minutes’ ratings fell 20 percent without “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney”)

  1992 • Sweet and Sour is published

  1995 • My War is published

  1999 • Sincerely, Andy Rooney is published

  2000 • My War is reissued and becomes a best seller

  2002 • Common Nonsense is published

  2003 • Years of Minutes is published

  • awarded a Lifetime Achievement Emmy and the Ernie Pyle Lifetime Achievement Award

  2004 • wife Marguerite (Marge) dies 2006 • Out of My Mind is published

  Introduction

  by Brian Rooney

  It was not clear to me as a child what a writer does for a living. I thought my father just took the train to New York every morning before I was awake and came back in time for dinner. I was aware that he knew some famous people in radio and television, but he was not famous himself. I didn’t have a clue what he did.

  I went through most of grade school in the 1950s and 1960s with a pair of high black Keds and one pair of blue jeans that I wore every day until they ripped out and my mother bought another pair. I didn’t know for many years that at the time it was about all my parents could afford.

  My father made his living by the only thing he knew how to do, which was putting words on paper. He was blunt, outspoken, and opinionated. It turns out that he was paid money for being that way. But as a writer he lived by principles that often put his career and family at risk. Sometimes he was fired for what he said, and more than once he quit in disagreement with his bosses. He believes in thought, the written word, and that a person should stand for something more than his own good.

  As a father he was the product of his time. He never said, “I love you,” and never asked about my feelings. He encouraged me to play football, because that’s what he had done, and tried to make it to as many games as he could.

  He expected a certain amount of toughness in me. A broken finger was not an excuse to sit on the bench. When I was fourteen I ripped the cartilage in my left knee and came down with pneumonia the same week, but he woke me up one morning before catching the 6:02 to the city asking whether I would make it to play in the football game that day.

  He gave me my first pocketknife and taught me how to use a hammer, a chisel, and a table saw. He’d tell me, “It doesn’t seem right, but it’s safer when your fingers are closest to the
blade.” We both still have all xvi Introduction by Brian Rooney

  our fingers. He also taught me basic cooking. He showed me how to make a roux to thicken a sauce and to grill a steak medium rare.

  He was reckless in ways that were fun. One Halloween he lined me up with my three sisters in the kitchen, handed us each a bar of soap, and told us to get out there and soap some neighbors’ windows. He took us winter camping without a tent—we made our own igloo out of snow. It rained one night and as the igloo melted on my crew-cut head, I saw him standing over the fire trying to dry our clothes.

  One year when there was a foot of snow on the ground, my father put my sisters and me on the toboggan, attached a rope to the bumper, and towed us around town with the Country Squire station wagon. He drove with his head hanging out the window, looking back to check on us. Going down steep hills when the toboggan started catching up with the rear wheels, he’d hit the gas and speed up.

  He liked doing things with gasoline because during the war the army in Europe had done everything with gas: heating, cooking, even washing their jeeps to give them a low sheen. In the fall we piled up leaves for burning and my father would get out a jug of gasoline, sprinkle it on, step back, and throw in a match. It went whump and the leaves were instantly reduced to ashes. He’d say, “That’s the best thing since the ETO.” The ETO was the European Theater of Operations, bureaucratic jargon for the War, and he never ceased to be amused by the term.

  For a man who’s been in the army and hung around newsrooms all his life, he, surprisingly, does not use profanity. The only time I ever heard a dirty word from him was when I asked about the racist joke that got Earl Butz fired from his position as Secretary of Agriculture. When my father repeated it to me I was more shocked to hear the words from his mouth than I was by the joke itself. I was in my twenties and had never heard him use words like that.

  He is a ruthless negotiator. One Saturday he said to me, “Come on, kid, we have to go buy a new station wagon.” We drove over to the Ford dealer, where he identified the car he wanted, and made an offer a few hundred dollars below the sticker price, which at the time was a deep discount. The salesman said, “Sir, I can’t sell it for that. It’s the last car of

  Introduction by Brian Rooney xvii

  its model in the whole New England sales district and I can get full price from someone else.”

  My father kicked his toe in the dirt and said, “I wasn’t going to tell you this, but my wife and I wanted two of them exactly alike.” We went home, made hamburgers, and started to watch a football game. When the phone rang and my father answered, all I heard him say was, “Now we’re ready to talk.” The salesman had found an identical station wagon only a few miles away.